Ouch!

Went to the attorney today. Divorce comes down to dollar signs on a page. There are more dollar signs on his side of the page than mine.

It seems that 30 years of marriage is worth something.

Bottom line: How much is he willing to pay to get rid of me?

Changes

Got this email the other day from the husband:

Just to let you know I changed my payroll distributing. There or their will be $200.00 now going into the Wright-Patt account each week.

No discussion. No thought as to what this would mean to me or our situation. He seemed to think I could run this house on $800.00 a month.

After much discussion and an introduction to home finance 101, he has decided that he made a stupid decision and is not going to make the change.

However, this tells me something. While I can only control myself I also cannot allow someone else to make decisions about my life that may put me in jeopardy.

He is no longer the man I married. He is angry and hurt. Every decision he is making is coming from those emotions. And not one of them has my best interest at the core.

Time to take charge! Time to do what I need to do to protect myself. Enough with the begging and pleading.

I think I am back!

Changes

It started out to be a good day...it ended as a not so good day.

Friends???

He will get custody of them all if there is a divorce. It becomes clearer everyday. I guess when you are the tainted one people become uncomfortable around you and even think you deserve to be punished for your actions.

I have now had two of my closest friends tell me he has the right to leave me. And yes I guess in the truest sense, he does. One even suggested that in order for me to be accountable for my actions, I needed to walk away from the marriage.

The other, who by the way, has gone through this exact situation, feels he doesn't have the responsibility to try to make things work. Because what I did was wrong, he has the right to walk away. Poof...end the marriage and move on.

I guess I need to ask myself...what friends?

I am Grateful

1. For innocent four year olds
2. For "I love you's" randomly given out by children
3. For the contagious giggles of my preschoolers
4. For an evening with my son and daughter-in-law
5. That we both love each other...maybe it will be enough

Wrapping Up The Evening With Minutia

At least I think I am. I have some reading to do and the son has asked me over for chili. I am not sure I really want to go. It is rainy and cold. We are expecting snow flurries in the next day or two. How gross is that. I would rather be curled up in front of a fire...but alas, no wood.

I hate getting into the shower in the morning. It is where my mind works overtime. It is enough to make me think about hairy armpits and PTA (pits,tits and ass) baths. It is the place where the tears frequently flow.

This mornings thoughts centered around his comments regarding getting picked up in a bar. "Maybe I'll go back with someone next time. After all you don't seem to have any trouble finding someone." He likes to take the cheap shots every now and again. But hey what the hell.

So I am thinking this morning, if you decide to do that, you might want to warn them, "Ah, I have this condition...I might not remember who you are after I fuck you. But I have a card in my wallet with all of my emergency contact numbers on it if I am confused. Just call my ex-wife, she'll tell you what to do." Kinda made me laugh. A sick turn your stomach kind of laugh.

Nothing about this is funny. He hurts, I hurt, my kids hurt. He seems to be the only one who wants us divorced. I don't know what his family is telling him. I am sure they are fueling his fire. I was never good enough for him anyway. But that is another story for another day.

So many things to fight for, so few to give up for. Again, I am tired. Worn out and tired. Oh and get this, the daughter told me I look sickly skinny today! Nice, really nice!

Dreams

wispy, cloudy, fog
tantalizing dreams, swirling

through my mind. Release

I haven't submitted a haiku to Sparrow in forever. When I saw the topic I couldn't resist, as my entire future depends on my hopes and my dreams. Go visit...submit till tonight and vote tomorrow. And may all your dreams come true. And don't forget to wish on a falling star. I have it on good authority that it works!

Falling Stars

I had lunch with the middle daughter today. She told me something that just nearly broke my heart in two. The little boy is so sad about his Mam ma and Pap pa breaking up that he has found a solution.

He told his Gretchen that if she just stared and stared at the night sky and waited for a falling star and then wished on it that Mam ma and Pap pa would stay married...then they would.

There are so many people who believe in us, including a little boy who who believes in the luck of falling stars

Protecting Part Two

My son also needs to understand that the information he seeks, he seeks as a nearly thirty year old and not an adolescent. He is much more equipped to deal with the information now than he was then. He also is more caring about life beyond himself now than then too. No longer a self-centered teenager.

I too am cautious as I believe he will have questions that will fall into the current situation. I do not have a problem telling him what I have done. I am accountable. But the reasons carryover onto his father. Again, I am protecting. But there is truth in what has happened and the faults are not all mine.

The son and I have talked about some of what has gone on. He is aware of basic information. He knows I do not want a divorce and am working hard at the work of myself and what went wrong. He also knows his dad does want a divorce and is not willing to do the work. He knows that I think we can put this back together and be a family again and in fact he too believes the same thing. Of course both the son and I know it will take a great amount of work.

But I don't know how far to go into his father and I. I have tried to keep them out of this and not share much if anything with them. To protect my kids and my husband. But maybe it is time to put all the cards on the table and get all of it out in the open. Seems like most everyone else knows so why not the kids? I don't know.............

Protecting

I thought I was doing it for the right reasons. It seems now maybe I was wrong.

I have spent a great deal of my life protecting those I love. My mother, my father, my brother, my children and my husband...and yes myself.

My childhood was not an easy one. Though if you would ask me, my pat answer about the way my parents raised me was always, "they did they best they could with what they had." I could recite it at the drop of a hat, a recorded statement on a taped reel in my mind.

My father was an alcoholic who pretty much stopped coming home after work when I was around 11 years old. He spent his evenings drinking in the Glass Bar. An establishment I thought if I could just burn down, all my problems would be solved.

My Mom began to work evenings in a restaurant when I was in forth grade. She would leave shorty after I came home from school. There was to be less than an hour before dad was to be home and I had two older brothers who were here with me. Childcare right? Not so much.

My oldest brother was so detached from our family he moved out when I was 11. The middle brother, I was the youngest, took every opportunity he had to beat the hell out of me. I suffered at his hands more times than I can remember. But I also remember he would beat the hell out of anyone who tried to hurt me. A true love hate relationship.

My parents didn't do much to intervene in the beatings...not that they were around when they happened. I am not sure what they could have done. I am not sure they had the tools to do anything. I remember when I was around 15 or 16 I went to a local children's shelter and tried to get some help. They told me I was an abused child and could seek shelter there. When I tried to tell my mom that what he was doing to me was abuse she was so pissed at me. I was the trouble maker.

The abuse even continued after I was married. My brother was my husband's best friend. On two occasions my brother was at our home and he and I were fighting about something, I don't remember what it was and he physically attacked me.

My husband wasn't here. I think he was at work. But I remember I wanted him to do something about it. I don't know what. But there was nothing. I think he felt like it was a brother/sister thing. He didn't want to be involved. I felt like someone just beat on his wife...why didn't he protect me?

Where is this going? Oh yea...so as time has gone on I have found myself creating this image of these people. "They did the best they could with what they had." Yea maybe. But you know what. I suffered because of what they didn't have.

When my brother committed suicide I didn't tell people what he did. Not because I was ashamed of it. But because I wanted to protect his memory. I didn't want people to think he was crazy (even though he probably was). The need to protect.

I have never shared much of my childhood with my kids. Never told them too much of my teenage years (ugly), did not tell them about their uncle (oldest is the only who had much of a memory). Although my husband shared that information with our son without my knowledge when he was a teenager...serious problem between us! Thought I was protecting them. They didn't need to know ugly things about their mother and her family.

Now I find out I was wrong. My son thinks it would have helped him understand me and why I am like I am. What makes me me. So do I do a complete disclosure. Tell them the ugly truth behind their mother? Because there is a whole lot more to know. I don't know. He seems to think it would help him. He doesn't want family secrets. No more protecting.

Gotta go to work...more later

We Won!

I think the score was 2 to 1 but it might have been 3 to 1. I don't remember. There was a penalty in the last 1:18 of the game for both teams. Stupid! Our team is notorious for losing in the last 30 seconds of the game...but they kept it together and came out with a win!

I am very tired. Lots of talking and sharing. I had an evening with a gal my son works with. She is just a few years younger than me. Apparently he thinks highly of her because he has sought her advice through all of this. She was aware of the current events. She has been a source of support for him. I am glad of that. He needs it.

I think she and I will become good friends. I really enjoyed her company and she doesn't seem to think I am a bad person or too crazy. She is willing to accept me even knowing the things I have done...I guess actions don't define the person.

Here is my gratitude list for today:

1. I made a difference today
2. New friends
3. Laughter
4. Fall colors
5. Hot tea

It's Hockey Time

Off to the Hockey game. Bittersweet. I love hockey! But it is the one thing we do together. I remember the first professional hockey game we went to.

It was our anniversary and our city had just secured an NHL team. I had managed to get tickets from a friend of mine. He had really good seats. We went to dinner and the hubby had no idea where we were going afterwards. I told him I would be dropping hints throughout dinner about our destination and he had to try to figure it out.

I weaved in words about hockey, the name of the team and such. But he never got it! I finally gave him his anniversary card with the two tickets inside. He was stunned. It would be our first professional hockey game together.

I was a bit bored. He loved it. We had a wonderful night!

I have since become a great fan. Our best friends became fans as well and we have shared a package deal ever since. We have spent many nights cheering on our team.

I will miss him tonight. I will miss putting my head on his shoulder during the period. I will miss his coat across my legs when I get cold. I will miss holding his hand as we walk through the concourse. I will miss him.

It just will not be the same. But then nothing is right now.

The Arbitrary

Why is it you have to be faced with losing what you love the most to appreciate what you have?

Does the journey to self-discovery always have to begin with catastrophe and pain?

Why didn't he tell me 'no' more often?

He never set boundaries. I always wanted him to set boundaries. I needed boundaries.

Why is communication so hard?

Why do the kids tell me how they feel and not him?

Riding the bus with a three year old is no big deal. And someone quit their job over it???

What has impacted my dysfunctionality (is that a word?) more, being the daughter of an alcoholic, depression or ADD?

Should I spend the $100 a session and go see the therapist I think will help me the most?

If I go to Waterbeds-n-Stuff to buy a milligram scale will I be profiled as a drug dealer?


told you my mind never stopped!

Gratitude

Today I am grateful that:

1. I had a pretty good day.
2. He made me laugh (even if I broke the no contact rule)
3. There is texting (is that contact?)
4. Our son. He is my biggest champion
5. I believe


Oh and guess what? We have confirmed cases of both h1n1 and whooping cough in our building! I just can't wait to get up and go off to the germ infested workplace tomorrow. And did I also tell you I work with a little boy who carries MRSA. Life is an adventure and I am going to swing it by the tail!

Meetup

Eh....don't know about this one so much. Nice women. But it seems like for a group of women who want to live happier, we are pretty miserable.

Three of us are going through potential divorces. Several are going through major job transitions. One woman was deaf and going through empty nest syndrome. Others just looking for meaningful female friendships. I also think everyone there was divorced or in the process!

So what is it about middle aged women being unhappy and unfulfilled? No real conclusions. I think this might be a downer group. Not so sure. Might be good for meeting some other women to do things with outside of the group.

My interest was mostly to meet the woman who was putting on the group. I am very intrigued by her. She is a counselor and I like what I see on her website. I think she is the kind of counselor I need.

I like the counselor I have. But I don't think I am getting the work done. Talking is great...I think I need more. This woman may just have the more I want. So what is the problem? $$$$$$$$$
Isn't is always? She doesn't do insurance. $100.00 a pop. Am I worth it?

Don't ask the hubby...at least not now!

Heading Out

I am off to another meetup. This one is called Live Happier. Some one is going to teach me to live happier? Cool!

I will let you know how it went.

Oh by the way...I think I took too much of my !ADD medicine this morning. Still trying to find the right dose. But hey, pounded out those posts pretty quickly

New Friend

So yesterday when I went to this Girlfriend's Meetup, there were about 14 women there. All shapes, sizes, ages, and whatever. I have always been fascinated by the whole sociology/psychology of things and I am particularly interested in the dynamics of groups.

We all meet in the middle of the mall. Myself and one other woman are the only two new to the group, right. Everyone is introducing themselves to each other, making small talk, blah blah blah.

One woman obviously seems to be the one in charge, the coordinator. I have a sense for her right away...not a good one either. There is a tall dark haired young woman, very pretty, very quiet. Another woman introduces herself as the other coordinator...seems nice enough. Hear a woman across the circle talking about having furniture delivered and how her husband wasn't to be trusted to take the delivery. In one ear out the other.

More blah blah blah. But then I become engaged in a conversation with a gal across the circle so I move over to her. For some reason, I end up telling this woman the dirty details of my life in the first five minutes I have known her. Oh my god I have pulled a Jeanne Ashby! (sorry folks you could not know this reference but trust me it is not a good one).

I apologize and tell her I don't usually dump my trash on perfect strangers. She is gracious, probably thinks I am a lunatic and can't wait to get away from me. But she doesn't. We walk into the theater together. Sit in the movie together. Sit at lunch together.

And here is the funny thing. During lunch, I am asked about my family from someone across the table. I explain my marriage is in flux. The woman across from me tells me she is recently divorced. Goes on about her cheating husband. Ugly details. This is after I say I don't think anything but death is insurmountable. Apparently she and my husband have something in common.

I lean over to my new friend and say, "Glad I didn't vomit my personal trash in her lap." She just smiled and said, "I was thinking the same thing." And we made a date for next weekend.

So here's the thing. Why out all those women standing there, did I choose her? Why didn't I tell the divorced woman? I was standing next to her for quite some time. What was it about my new friend that made me think ( I don't think I was thinking) it would be alright to tell her some of the most private intimate details of my life? Things that most people are so judgemental about they cast you aside and never give you another glance because you are tainted.

I have never been religious or one of faith. In fact, I am self proclaimed atheist. But I am beginning to wonder if there isn't something going on here. I am beginning to think that there is someone out there controlling the chess pieces on my board, because strange things are happening. Things I can't explain.

I think I hear the theme from the Twilight Zone playing in the distance.

He Asked...

Me why. Why would I even want to stay married to him. I think it was when I had my finger pointing in his face telling him to put his 'man panties' on and 'man up'. God how awful that looks in print. It was during the fracas that went on yesterday. Emotions were high...dignity was nonexistent. We were being so unkind to each other. It was ugly and raw.

Even then though, I told him, because I loved him and wanted him and believed in him. Did he hear me? I doubt it. I have become such a nag. No one beats a dead horse better than me. He is tired of listening to me. Defensive, angry, hurt. Anything I say becomes a fight. Thus the agreement to take the month break.

If I could tell the world what kind of man he is, oh I can! That's the cool thing about blogs isn't it. It is there for the world to see!. Now don't get me wrong, he is not perfect! I am sure you get that from the other things I have written. But why, you might ask, why if I have done the things I have done and he has done what he has done, do I not just cut my loses and let him walk away.

As bad as things have been, (and they have been BAD) he was always the person I wanted to grow old with. Never pictured my life without him. He is kind hearted, compassionate. He tolerates my love of animals and in fact is nearly as stupid about them as I am. No one else would tolerate chickens and pigs in the house.

He is funny. His sense of humor equals no other. In our early years when we were fighting, he would wiggle his nostrils at me and make me laugh. The fight was over instantly. He hasn't done that in years.

We have created a beautiful family together. Instilled values and ethics into our children. Without him this never would have happened. He is a wonderful father. A loving gentle man who's children adore him.

We have always agreed about most everything...rarely fighting about fiances, household issues, children, vacations.

He would do anything for me. He wipes my but when I can't. Holds my head when I vomit. He has been a good husband, father and provider. He is a good friend. He loved my family (not always easy).

These are just some of the reasons I want to stayed married to him. The most important reason of all though is:

I love him with all my heart and soul. It was always him....always him.

Rock Bottom

There comes that point in life where you figure out the way you are doing things just ain't workin'. Something has to change. Sometimes it takes a drastic event to get you to that place. I don't know who coined the phrase 'hitting rock bottom'. But I guess that is where some people have to get to to see that life isn't working for them.

I first heard that oft used phrase when I was about 13 years old. I was in Ala-teen. My dad was an alcoholic. We were told the alcoholic would not stop drinking until he/she hit rock bottom. That every alcoholic had a different rock bottom so no one could tell me what my dad's would be. But this isn't about my dad and his drinking. I will save that for another day. This is about me and my rock bottom. Cause I think I have found it.

I am not going to rehash the past. I am done with that. I have made mistakes. Bad ones. I can try to justify my actions. But it doesn't make the situation any better. I did what I did. I am sorry. So very very sorry. And there are many people to whom that apology is extended.

The extent of my pain was so deep and the bottom so black and hopeless I wanted to die. It doesn't get much worse than that or much rockier. But here is the thing. I didn't die. I lived. At first I wasn't too sure I wanted to. But now I am. Because here is the thing.

My mistakes do not define who I am. And I can be who I want to be. Who I have always strived to be...not pretended to be. With alot of work and alot of effort I can learn to control the negative aspects of me and bring forward the positive. I can be better than I ever was. For me, for my kid, and for him (if he will let me).

There are those who are betting on me to fail. They are sure I will fall back into old patterns of behavior. I have news for you doubters, it is not going to happen. For I am stronger now than I have ever been. I am armed with more knowledge about myself than I have ever had. And knowledge we all know is power.

I won't fail. I promise...I won't fail.

UGH It Is Monday

Mind racing...if only I could get frequent flier miles for the trips in my mind! I am mostly making notes for the things I want to write about tonight. Don't want to forget!

Rock bottom
Why I want to stay married to him
The new friend I met
The bigger hand moving the chess pieces

Have great day people!

Today I am Grateful for

1. His safe arrival to MI
2. New friends
3. The warmth of the sun
4. Perseverance
5. Three beautiful children

A Revelation

I think he is afraid to commit.

I think he is afraid to commit to do the work to fix our marriage.

I think he is afraid to commit to do the work to fix our marriage, not because I will fail.

I think he is afraid to commit to do the work to fix our marriage, because he will fail.

Suddenly it all makes sense.

Day Out With The Girls

After the mornings event, I spent the afternoon with some new friends. In this quest of mine to become new and improved I have decided I need to broaden my horizons and spectrum of friends. So I found this interesting thing on the Internet called meetup.com Through it I have found several social groups that sound very interesting to me. So I joined them. Today the 'girlfriends' group met.

We met at the local mall for a movie and lunch. The woman ranged in age from I would say late 20's to low 60's. But I don't do age well so who really knows. There were around 13 of us. Two of us were newcomers. The rest knew each other from previous events.

All the women were very friendly. I hit it off with one in particular. We talked alot before the movie and then again at lunch. She and I have tentative plans for next Sat. I know I will be joining this group again for other activities.

I am excited about this as it will get me out of the house. I will make new friends outside of our current circle. The group is women only so there won't be a problem with men hitting on me. This group, unlike some of the others, does not seem to be the bar and drink scene type...a plus for me.

Forward motion....a good thing. Now the movie, Couples Retreat. I probably wouldn't have picked that as my first choice!

Where Have We Gone

Things did not go so well this morning. Big blow up. I am sure you saw the mushroom cloud over the mid-west. Fallout was toxic...lots of casualties in the wake. The worst was the little boy who spent the night. He now knows Mam ma and Pap pa are going to break up. That part sucked the most.

The once gentle loving man I married has become someone I no longer know. I hate what pain and anger have done to him...what I have done to him. I remind myself that he has choices. The choice wallow in this deep dark place or the choice to rise out of it. He continues to want to wallow

He cannot separate the actions from the person. Told me he would not stay married to a 'cheater'. The act does not define me. That is not who I am. I made a mistake. I am trying to atone for it. But nothing I do it seems, will ever make it right for him. So many hurtful things said.

Threats of attorneys. Yours versus mine. Tit for tat. STOP! This is not who we are! Spiralling into the vortex so fast we can't stop. Hell is at the bottom and there will be no way out.

I need to leave. I make him hold me before I go. Only one arm wraps around me. I bury my face into his neck and tell him I love him. How wrong this is. Nothing but death is insurmountable.

I come up with a new plan. I call him. A one month break. No contact for one month. We both see our counselors and try to heal during this time. Cool off. Get our heads straight. Figure it out without the pressure of each other (well me anyway) talking in each other's ears.

He agrees, but has to add as long as I understand he would sign the papers today. Nice uh? I know he would. The faster he gets rid of me the better. It makes me so sad.

Sad...I am tired of being sad.

sleepless in...

It is 2 am. I have yet to sleep a wink. my mind is racing faster than an Indy car. circles round and round my brain going nowhere.

I don't have my contacts in so I apologize for the misspellings and punctuation errors right up front. But tonight they are not important to me. I have got to get this shit out of my head or I am going to explode.

He is sleeping in my bed with me. Or shall i say he is occupying a spot in my bed. He is sleeping. I know this from the soft snores coming from his side. But he is not with me. He is as far from me as he can get both in body and spirit. I can barely stand it. I say nothing...pretend like this is normal, okay with me. Again bridges and baby steps.

What I want to do is scream. Scream at him, "this is me! Remember me? I have done more right in thirty years than wrong!" But I don't. I just quietly leave my bed.

Pieces of the day's conversation dance in my brain. A ballet of torture and hope. The villain and the hero:

"Some woman tried to pick me up in the bar the other night"

"Did you let her?"

"No but I did let her buy me two beers,. When she wanted to buy the third i said I that I had had to go"

"You must have been flattered"

When what I really wanted to say was, that you are still married to me and I would never accept drinks from a stranger in a bar, never mind I don't hang out in bars. I think that would have gotten thrown back in my face considering. But still. I just don't know what to think about this and while I am trying to do all the right things is he trying to learn to live single?

He also told me that one of the things he is feeling is embarrassed. When I asked him what he is embarrassed about his statement was, "that I can't control my wife" when I tried to get to the bottom of this he became very angry so I stopped.

He needs to understand he in not in control of my actions. My actions are my responsibility and the embarrassment is mine. Not his, I hope I get a chance to tell him this. It is funny, he preaches this to me about the kids all the time.

We got a call from the realtor who has listed the lake house...yes we are selling it. It was shown four times today or I guess that was yesterday and twenty nine realtor's have been through it. We were talking about our bottom line and I made some remark about what we would do with the money. Pay a bill and I said I was going to Greece for spring break and asked him if he wanted to go with me.

You see Greece is number one on my bucket list. We have fulfilled many things on his bucket list: the giant redwoods, volcanoes, glaciers...but nothing on mine. His reply....a very quick, short no not right now. And me, a kick in the gut. So I took a deep breath and said I would be going if I had to go alone. It was time I fulfilled one of my dreams. I also said I probably shouldn't set myself up like that. He agreed. Stupid me.

I told him about this blog and shared a couple of the entries. Told him about the gratitude list. Asked him what he was grateful for. He said his family and I replied yet he was willing to tear it apart, Of course he turned that around on me and I said I was doing everything I could to keep it together. He said his job. He said his animals and I pointed out he was willing to leave them. Two out of the three things he was grateful for he is willing to give up. Makes no sense.

I don't think he is going to come around. I don't think he is going to want to do the work it will take to put this back together. I also think because he has told his family what is going on he will follow through with the divorce just to keep from looking like a 'fool'.

Because I let him see some of this blog I think I am going to have to take it private. I don't want him to have access to it. I am afraid he will use it against me. I never thought I would say that, but I am not dealing with the man I have known since I was twelve years old.

If you try to find me and I am not there just send me a note and I will let you in. I love the comments that those few who read me leave. They shore me up to face yet another day.

I am going to try to head back to bed. I took a sleeping pill when I came down. Maybe it will work now. Fingers crossed. Goodnight or as the case maybe, good morning.

Finding Gratitude in Today

Even though we have spent the day together and things have been civilized, I am finding it hard to find things to be grateful for. It has been one of the most stressful days I have had in a very long time. He worries about sending me the wrong message and I worry about sending him the wrong message.

I am spending this time with him in hopes of sparking something within him that reminds him of us. But what if he thinks that we could be divorced and live like this? I could not do that. We would have to live separate lives. He on his own, me on mine, with little connecting us in the between.

My mind has been in a thousand places. I feel like I have gone a thousand rounds in the ring. And am still waiting the decision. A life and death decision. Waiting...something I don't do very well at all.

I am still so bothered by his revelation of his revelation to his sisters. I don't understand why he felt the need to do that to me. I think it was to hurt me. My friend says it was because he was hurting. But regardless, the damage is done. I am hurt, embarrassed, shamed. But I guess I deserve it as the actions belong to me and I need to be accountable for them. But god why couldn't he have protected me as I have protected him?

So here goes...what am I grateful for today?

1. Soccer goals scored by the little boy
2. Modern pharmaceuticals
3. Bookstores
4. Sunshine
5. Him

The Day

We have spent the day together. Lots of talking and tears. There were some angry words.. I don't know if we are anywhere other than where we were. I think he may have a bit more understanding of me. Then again maybe not. I just don't know. He is still angry.

Anger is his defense. If he stays angry he can function better. He can protect himself better. He can stay less vulnerable. It will drive him to do what he thinks he needs to do. Leave me.

He did go see a counselor. We talked about that. He shared with me. She recommended a book for us both. I bought mine today. We ordered his.

Some other things came to light. I am mortified. He told both his sisters about my affair. He was supposed to protect me. Again he didn't. What is new. If we get back together how will I ever face these people? I won't. But I will not talk about that now.

I want to ask him if he told them about sitting by passively. About the times I begged him to commit to the help we needed. About the times I asked him to change things for me. But I didn't. Building bridges and all.

I am trying to give up control. Trying not to push. Trying not to spit venom. God it is so hard.
My nerves are shot. My anxiety is through the roof. My head hurts so bad it feels like it is going to explode. But I will continue to sit back and breathe the best I can because I want this more than I have wanted anything. I want us again...better than before. And I believe it can happen.

We are taking the little boy to Chuck E Cheese for dinner and then he (the little boy is spending the night). I am assuming he will too. I don't know. I do know he won't sleep with me...he can barely touch me. Again a self-defense mechanism.

He still seems to want to divorce. Making no promises for the future. Says he has lots to talk to his therapist about.

I need to be still. I need to be quiet. Does anyone have some ropes and a gag?

Anticipation

He is coming over this morning. We are going to talk. What about? I don't know. It seems our mode of communication lately is texting. Is that communication? I asked him if the only thing he was going to say were bad things. He said he didn't know.

What am I to infer? I should infer nothing. Take it as it comes. Oh my god that is so hard. I want so badly for him to want to fix things. Are they fixable? Nothing but death is insurmountable. With hard work and commitment anything is possible. But will he want to commit?

I have to tell myself not to push too hard...me the control freak. But the more I push the more he pulls. I have to tell myself I have to give up some control. I can control my life...but let him control the marriage right now. I am choking on those words. Gagging and trying not to vomit. Since when do I let anyone control anything about my life?

I have been up most of the night. So much for these stupid sleeping pills. Start with 1/4 of a tablet and work up. Took a whole one last night and nothing but a headache. Going to quit taking them. Why use a crutch if they don't work?

I feel like time is standing still right now. I don't know when he is coming. Anxiety is unbelievable. My stomach is turning. My heart is beating too fast. What is going to happen? Please let it be positive. Please.

Gratitude List

Gonna be tough today

1. Hot showers on cold mornings
2. Pot luck lunches
3. Disinfecting wipes
4. Blogs
5. Exhaustion

Dreams

I have been haunted in my sleep. I wonder if the newly introduced pharmaceutical is making it worse. The little yellow pill that is supposed to make sleep more profound is not but instead seems to open the door for the demons to enter more easily.

Last night his family came to visit me in my sleep. Both sisters and his parents. He was there too. You see I have heard nary a word from this 'family' I considered mine for some 30 years. Well truth be told, I never really considered them my family. But more often than not I was told I was one of 'them'. No I was never one of them.

And in last night's dream, I told them how I really felt about them. The stuck up sister who has forgotten from where it is she comes...poor uneducated Appalachians. The other sister who once called me 'just the daughter in law'. Who's own marriage is in a shambles. How dare she even think about passing judgement. I told them all how I really felt about the 30 years I have spent in this family.

And in my dream he too was incensed none of them had called to check on me. That none of them thought enough of me to see if I was okay considering what was going on and what I had been through.

Then I woke up and the haze lifted. And I remembered...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Buckets Filled

I have been on the verge all day. The bookstore sent me over the edge. I was trying to find a book on adult ADD and wouldn't you know it...they are shelved with the divorce books. You know the titles, Surviving Divorce, Divorce Sucks, Happy Divorces, Living Through Divorce and so on. I was done.

I did make it out of the store with some semblance of composure. Got to the car before the floodgates opened. Gut wrenching sobs began at my toes before they escaped my throat. Tears hit my lap as I tried to negotiate the traffic.

God I miss him. I texted him to tell him. I couldn't help myself. It was just seconds before the vibration responded with his message returned:

"I'll be home soon"

Cautious yet hopeful...

"Why"

"To see everyone"

"Are you staying at our house"

"No"

Hopes dashed. Nothing has changed.

"I don't think you should come by the house. I am having a very bad day and I know you don't want any part of that"

"I am sorry"

"I am sorry too you have no idea how sorry I am. I wish you would stop saying sorry and come up with another idea.

" I don't know what else to say"

"There are lots of things you could say and more you could do. Ball is in your court.'

There was no response to that. Nothing. Just silence. He knows I am falling apart and he does and says nothing.

How do you get to the place in your life where the person you have loved for 30 years, still say you love, is sitting alone with her heart breaking, falling to pieces, and you go on with your life as if nothing is happening? How the fuck does that happen?

Will someone please explain this to me before I lose my fucking mind!!!!!!!!

TGIF

It is rainy and cold. I am weepy. I am going to blame it on hormones.

Off to the wee ones. They will cheer me up!

Have a great day folks.

Today I am Grateful For

1. Left over vegetable soup
2. A beautiful sunrise
3. The gift of a tea bag
4. New friends
5. One more day under my belt

Shrinks

I thought it was going to be another nightmare visit to the shrink. He took 20 minutes of my time trying to figure out how to get international calling on his cell phone plan...after finding out it would cost him $2.95 per minute he decided to buy a calling card. He spent another 10 minutes talking to his sister on his cell phone (in Spanish) about some trip (he would pack stuff in his carry on) he was taking.

I almost walked out. I didn't. And I am very glad. For since my UTI (unfortunate tragic incident) I finally feel someone has figured out what is going on with me. And it goes beyond depression...duh!

After many, many, many, many, (and I could add about a hundred more manys) questions, he looked at me and said, "you have frontal lobe deficiency." What? "Adult ADD. A sleep disorder. And of course moderate depression."

ADD? I have ADD? That is crazy! But then he began to explain and I started to cry. He was describing me, talking about me. For the first timesince this began, someone was able to understand me! It was as if he was holding up a mirror and I was seeing myself in his words.

Those who know me, at some point have noticed I always have something in my hands. I twirl paper, my hair, my purse strap, destroy paper clips...I never have quiet hands. My brain never shuts down. At night when I go to bed, my brain races. It never shuts off. Consequently, I am a very poor sleeper and am exhausted most days. Skin sensitivity...certain touch really bothers me. It is almost painful. Extreme emotion...easy to cry, easy to anger.

He went on to talk about how adult ADD suffers are engagers, outside of the box thinkers, learners, explorers, intellectuals....never satisfied with an answer. Questioners of authority, doubters of the 'truth'. Artist, musicians, creatives. But we also thrive on chaos. We are impulsive. And stress will undo us all.

As he talked to me about me, I know I did not get it all. I think I was in shock. He told me he could help me to get better. That this was an easy fix and he would have me feeling better in a matter of days.

We talked just a little about the depression. His philosophy was to stop it in its tracks. Retrain my brain to stop thinking depressive thoughts. I am not sure I buy that so much but if I think about what I know about the brain and creating neural pathways I could make some sense of it. Think negatively, create negative neural pathways? Think positively create positive neural pathways? Sounds logical...yes?

So I am trying to think about blessings every time a negative thought creeps in. What can it hurt? That too is the purpose of the gratitude list. And this blog. It helps me release some of the negativity.

So now I am taking two new meds. One for the ADD and one for sleeping. He is concerned about the sleep issue and wants me to sleep more. It seems six hours of interrupted sleep is not enough.

I feel relieved. I feel like someone finally gets me. I feel like I am finally going somewhere with this treatment. I feel like maybe, just maybe, I might be me again...maybe ever a better version. A new improved version...in time.

WOW that almost sounds like H-O-P-E! What a great feeling that is!

Oh The Wee Ones!

Yes Jean, I am tired! Overwhelmed and tired. So much to learn and do! At one point I heard myself thinking, "maybe the big kids are easier..." It was go go go today. But my gosh are they cute and the teacher is a doll. I know once I get into the routine I will be fine.

On to the Gratitude list:

1. My new job
2. A new diagnoses (more on that tomorrow)
3. Drs with a sense of humor
4. No poop on the carpet
5. Love from a sweet little boy who I hardly know

I Get To Ride The Bus!

Off to start my day with the wee ones! And I get to ride the bus too. I have to ride the bus every morning with a medically fragile three year old to make sure she stays safe. I feel very important!

I gotta a feeling...that today's gonna to be a good good day!

Gratitude List

1. Go fish (the card game)
2. Beef bullion
3. Mindless computer games
4. Children's literature and little boys who like to be read to
5. A day without tears! (assuming I don't cry myself to sleep)

Thinking

Spending more time thinking about values. The exercise asks you to identify 5 core values. I have come up with 3.

1. Family
2. Adventure
3. Survival

I am suspect of number 3. Is it a value or an instinct? All I know is, for me it has driven me my whole life. I also know when I go into survival mode or I feel I am desperate to do so, I become impulsive.

I am not talking about life or death, heart stopping, blood flowing, stop breathing survival. I am talking about survival of self. My being. The parts of me that make me me. I think that is part of what happened in this marriage of mine.

It was as if I began to disappear. As if I watched myself getting smaller...fading in the distance like the railroad tracks in a picture. Do you know what I am talking about? That point of conversion where the tracks become a point in the distance....no longer visible as two, but one single track? That was me...a single point fading in the distance. I was watching my self disappear and he sat passively by even though I begged him for the lifeline. Then someone else threw the lifeline and I grabbed on. Survival.

And once again I find myself fighting to survive. But I have decided I cannot fight this battle alone. He is not willing to fight for us, for our family, for me, for himself. So I will stop fighting him and let him go. After 30 years if he sees nothing to fight for, I cannot force him to do so.

That is where I am today...who knows where I will be tomorrow.

Oh I know, spending my last day with some of the most worthless students I have ever experienced and getting 3 funny looking moles removed. Fun!

Defeated

That is how I feel...simply defeated. I jump through the hoops and it just isn't enough. I can't even begin to bore you and myself with the details. I am too tired. But I am defeated.

Got a haircut today. Went to the store and got the makings for veggie soup. It needs some beef bullion. I don't have any. Dyed my hair...washed that grey right out my hair I did. Made the last of the cookies I started last week...no matter the dough was dried out and crunchy. Oh and I filled a glass with tears...it overflowed and created a river.

My gratitude list today:

1. My son and daughter in law
2. New fish in the fish tank courtesy of above
3. My uncle who defused a major meltdown with his call
4. Again, good friends or a really good one who came in time of need
5. Hair dye!

The Sun Came Up

Well not so much...but there is daylight. So quiet. I listen to the sounds around me...the tap tap tapping of the keyboard, the bubbling of the filter in the fish tank, snoring dogs as they settle down for their morning nap. Quiet...it is sometimes my enemy and yet sometimes I crave it as the pregnant crave the odd food.

I used to do my best thinking when it was quiet. Not so much anymore. Constructive thought seems to evade my mind. So I am trying to force myself to find those things that lead my mind down paths of growth and paths of healing and paths where pain does not exist. Do it often enough and it will become habit...Yes?

Reading...I spend a great deal of time reading things I think can help me find myself. Maybe help both of us heal. I send some to him. Ask him to read them. Will he? I don't know.

One of those things I have found talks alot about values. Asks you to pick your top five. Talks about how if you do not live your life feeding your values you will have conflict. And then asks if you are living your life serving your values. And if not why and what is getting in the way?

Wow. Values. Do I have values? My top five? What values was I raised with? This is not easy for me. The first thing that jumps into my mind...family. Family is my one of my five top values. Shit! Conflict alert. Alarms going off. Cause right away it is evident I have not lived to serve that value recently. In fact, I haven't served that value very well in the last 10 years. My behavior has put that value in jeopardy and in fact may very well have lost me my family as I know it.

But why have I not embraced that value? Why was I willing to put it at risk? I don't know. That is one for the therapist and I to work on.

So today I am going to try to do some of the things I didn't get done yesterday. Force myself to go out. Maybe do some cooking. Eye still hurts, but I am going to push through it. Not going to lay around all day. No good comes from that!

Have a good day folks...I going to try to.

Gratitude List

Rough day....complete meltdown this morning. Holding on to the towel bar in the bathroom sobbing. Those moments overtake at the strangest times. Filled a bucket today with the tears that fell. Tomorrow maybe it will be a small glass. Who knows...and to think, I used to like roller coasters. Would someone please stop this one! The list:

1. Little boys and soccer leagues
2. Grown up daughters who make me laugh
3. Sleep (even if it took a little white pill)
4. Another bridge erected
5. The kiss on my forehead and the obvious struggle as he walked out the door

On a Lighter Note

Photo Hunt - Words

Go enjoy what others have to say

Best Laid Plans

Ain't gonna be a good day. I can feel it in my bones...or my eye as the case may be. OMG does it hurt. I think I have scratched my cornea. Nothing to be done but wait it out.

But beyond that I am unsettled. My thoughts are everywhere. My mind is racing. Tears threaten to spill without deference to what I am doing or where I am. Things I should have said, could have said make an appearance days later. Why wasn't my brain so keen then?

Would it have mattered? I think he lives with his head in the sand most of the time. But don't most men? Sorry guys!

We are separated by circumstance it is true...his work takes him out of state for a period of several months. But he is clear. He wants a divorce. So circumstance works to his favor. He has left me and has no intent to return to this house.

During the fray the other night I made some offhand statement about changing locks and not allowing him to enter the house. That he choose to leave and intended to divorce me. His response was he just went off to work.

Enter thoughts during the night last night. I should have said, well then I will expect you home this weekend and the following and we will live happily ever after right? Yea right. How's he gonna play it like that. Just going off to work! Whatever! So where are you now?

Side note: What I said about changing the locks and not letting him back in the house I said in hurt and anger. I would not do that. This is his home and I want him to feel welcome whenever he wants to be here (as painful as that is for me). No decision made in hurt and anger are good ones! My new mantra.

I got side tracked. But remember, I said my mind was racing. So I had all these plans today. It was going to be a struggle to motivate myself to do them by myself anyway but now....

The little boy has a soccer game this morning. Can't miss that. Wanted to take a tour of all the blown glass exhibits around town. Not such a great idea with one good eye and one very painful eye. Then I thought about making some soup to try to encourage myself to eat...still struggling with that. But that would entail going to the store. UGH!

Also thought about getting a ticket to the opening night of the hockey game...haven't missed and opening game in five years. What would a hockey game be like by yourself? Asked him if he wanted to go. He still can't stand the idea of being with me. Not that that hurts!

See I said it wasn't going to be a good day. I think I might just go to the soccer game, come home get a cold compress, take a sleeping pill and go to bed for the day! There is always tomorrow.

Goodnight

Few things to talk about:

Gun threats at school. Supposed to be a shooting on Monday. Administration sees no real threat. Not going to miss too much there when I leave next week. Well maybe somethings. I seem to have just settled in.

Went to the new school to meet the teacher and see the classroom. Got to see the afternoon class. Eight of the cutest little munchkins you have ever seen. I will go from looking up at most of my students and being to told 'kiss my ass' to looking down at them and wiping their asses. I am so excited I can't wait. No really I am!

Evening alone. Rented a movie...one that he and I have been waiting to watch together. Alas and big sigh. Haven't heard from him...trying not to call. Learning to live this life alone just simply sucks...makes me sad. So very very sad.

Right eye feels like it is going to explode. WTH? Going to take my contact out and hope it is just irritated. Don't need that!

Bottom line? Got through another day!

Sleep well folks...at least one of us should!

Today's Gratitude List

Today I am grateful for:

1. Mindless movies
2. Roaring fires (so maybe it didn't roar)
3. My animals...otherwise I would be totally alone
4. HR supervisors who really do care
5. Full moons and the memories that they invoke

Bridges

No decisions made out of anger and pain are good decisions.

Found myself caught up in the fray last night...angry and hurt. Lashing out with my poisonous venom looking for my target. It was him I was looking to wound as I am feeling wounded too.
Ending a conversation with words meant to damage souls and hearts.

I promised myself I would not do this. Would not engage in this warfare. I promised that I would build bridges. Bridges to where? I don't know. But bridges to somewhere...maybe to nowhere (can you say Sarah Palin?)

But maybe overtime these bridges might connect to something...to somewhere. And maybe I will just end up a better person for having built them. Who knows.

Gratitude List

1. I am grateful I passed my physical
2. I am grateful DIL is feeling better today
3. I am grateful I had the strength to keep my promise to myself
4. I am grateful I could say I am sorry
5. I am grateful there are people who love me

FM #3

They said I was escorted by a rather large policeman. That I could have outrun him if I had tried. They also said I asked if I could sign myself out. Sure, I was told. With the consent of three Drs. And that would take at least three days and they don't work weekends. I would be stuck till at least Monday.

Slideshow: I am in a room with strangers being asked to take off my gown. They are looking between the cheeks of my ass. I tell them there is nothing there but charcoal. Nice uh? I think they weighed me too.

I have very vague recollections of someone talking about clothing and strings. Nothing with strings allowed. I think I remember telling the husband to bring me sweatshirts and workout pants. To go to Target and buy them. I will have to double check this detail.

They take me to a room. I have my own blanket (it smells like him) and my own pillow. I don't know where they came from. But they are part of home. Someplace I don't think I will be for awhile. I think I get into bed and sleep. I don't know. I don't remember. It is all too fuzzy. That first night. That first night in the cuckoo's nest.

I know at some point I do get real clothes. Real underwear. Not disposable mesh panties with a maxi pad in it. How and when is a blank.

Did I have visitors that night? I think I did. Who? I don't know. Blank.....

I think I cried myself to sleep. But I did that most nights. So those run into one another as well. I think I will just have to call the first night a wash. To many drugs and too much trauma.

Stay tuned....

Almost

I almost called you today

I almost needed you

I almost broke my promise

I almost lost sight of my goal

I almost gave up hope

I didn't

Inspiration

"Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry

-- all forms of fear --

are caused by too much future,

and not enough present.

Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness,

and all forms of nonforgiveness

are caused by too much past,

and not enough present."

-Eckhart Tolle (From "The Power of Now")

Looking Back

The last ten years? Not so much. Since the beginning it seems...30 years. You have been like this since the beginning. Uncommunicative...unable to connect. Do you remember?

We were married less than two months. Apparently you were unhappy. Did you talk to me? Tell you what was on your mind? Try to work it out? No.

You had spent the day snuggled in the bosom of your mother. Comforted by her words and advice. You came home coiled like a snake, waiting to strike at your prey:

"My mom says there is no reason you shouldn't be having sex with me!"

Stricken. Caught off guard. Mortified. Embarrassed. Not understanding what you had done. Could you have possibly discussed the most intimate details of our life with your mother?

You continued to hurl your accusations: according to your mother, my chronic reoccurring yeast infections shouldn't impair my ability or desire to have sex. Oh and another thing...your house was not clean enough! Apparently I didn't dust enough.

Frantic, desperate, embarrassed, hurt, angry. I grabbed the phone to confront the woman I felt helped create this problem. When she answered, the only thing I remember her saying and it is as if I still hear it like it was yesterday:

"My son has lived one hell of a life since he has been married to you."

My resolve to confront left me. I was beaten by you both. A woman who got her medical knowledge from a book published in the 1950's and you, my husband, who nestled into the bosom of his mother instead of his wife when things got tough.

Should I have done the same? Should I have wrapped my arms around the gentle swelling in my middle, grabbed what little I had and retreated to the safety and protection of my mother? I could have I guess.

But we both know what she would have done. She would have wrapped her arms around me, hugged me, kissed me, told me she loved me and kicked my ass back out the door to you. The same thing your mother should have done!

Maybe if she had, we wouldn't be where we are now.

Update

DIL went to see plastic surgeon today. News is good. Sinus is broken, however, it should heal without surgery. Facial cavity is full of blood and swelling is profound. Biggest worry today was skin splitting due to swelling. Lots of ice therapy, anit-inflammatory, pain meds and rest are what is being prescribed for the next several days. Full recovery is expected!

This is just one of the reasons I never played sports. BALLS ARE BAD! (have fun with that one folks!)

When Anger Creeps in

Today I am angry. Mad at him...at the situation. Mad that I am here holding the bag of responsibility. Shame on me...I have been a bad girl. Just ask anybody. Broke one of those commandments I did...burning in Hell forever. No redemption for me. I deserve what I get. The pain, the agony, the hurt, the loneliness. It is my punishment. Accept it with dignity and grace for I deserve it. Right?

But what about him? What about what he did? Is there a Hell for him? Is there a Hell for someone who just sits there while he is begged for years to address the issues? Begged, pleaded with, cried and screamed at to please help change what is wrong. Begged to not sit passively by and watch us die.

No...no Hell for him. He has already suffered his Hell. Just ask anybody. His Hell was me. His hurt was enduring me and what I did. He already has his redemption. He can quit and walk away with grace and dignity. Right?

Fuck that!

It's Always Something

Decent nights rest hell! Phone rings around 11:30...it is the perfect son:

"Hello"

"You must not have gotten the picture I texted you."

"No. I have been sleeping. What is wrong."

"Wife took a softball to the face. We've been in the ER for hours."

"Oh my gosh. What is going on."

"Face is broke. Sinus on her right side fractured in several places. Will have to have reconstructive surgery after the swelling goes down."

"Holy shit."

"Yea. I have to go to work tomorrow. She may need you."

We hung up and I called his sister to fill her in. Cause right now, I am not the one to be needed. I can barely take care of myself.

Day's End

I am tired. Did some things that could be called normal today and only filled a glass with tears. Progress...not so much. Just a different day.

Made some phone calls to find a psyc who is in my network and seem to have succeeded. Who knows what he is like. But the practice comes recommended by someone who was locked up with me in the cuckoo's nest. A 'why don't you call my people' kind of thing. Thanks Joella (no that is not her real name!)

Baked some cookies. Began that process last night. Fridge is bare...but there were some eggs, butter and milk so I thought I was good to go. Mixed everything together and went to get...Oh hell no....where is the flour! So in the fridge that all went and off to bed went I. Bought flour today and finished up. Adequate at best.

Watched the little boy at his tennis lessons. Then we went to celebrate his 6th birthday. Had dinner out with his Gretchen, his mom, his momo and his mam ma (that's me). The we all went to Old Navy (with the exception of his momo) where there was this darling pink tutu hanging on the rack.

Well my sick mind (and his Gretchen was a participant too I might add) was working in such a twisted demented way walking through all of those cute little girl clothes.

"Hey B, you want one of those bouncy balls in that there machine?"

"Yes Mam ma Yes"

"Well all you have to do is put this here tutu on and do a few turns for me"

"Okay if I can have a bouncy ball"

Damn this was way too easy! Off the rack the tutu came, right up the legs over the jeans and before you knew it he was twirling like a ballerina! Of course I had my camera phone snapping away. Wish I knew how to get the picture to post here so I could show you all. His mother is already threatening me if he has any future gender identification issues. And he sure does love that twenty five cent bouncy ball!

So all in all not a bad day. Not a great day. Distractions are good. Quiet lonely house bad. Off to bed for what I hope is a decent nights rest. I wish the same for you all too.

Just Sayin'

Don't you think she should have told me on the phone she was not in my insurance network? Not that it would have mattered at that point. It was part of the criteria to get sprung from the nest...an appt. with a psychiatrist. At that point I would have done cart wheels down the hall nekked if they would have told me to...on second thought those might have been the voices in my head telling me to do the cart wheels. Anyway....

So I am $300.00 lighter, several prescriptions heavier, have a diagnoses of severe depression and I think I am more depressed. What is more severe than severe?

Is this how it is supposed to work? I think I would rather be crazy.

Homework

Therapy is seems will include homework. The first assignment was to think about a time in my life when I was happy. Well that shouldn't be too difficult now should it?

So I took pencil to paper and was frozen. When was I happy? I couldn't wrap my brain around a single long period of total happiness in my life. So this is what I ended up with:

Picking out a happy time in life - difficult at best. Times of prolonged happiness? In my childhood? I don't remember. Snippets maybe. But even that is foggy for it seems Michael over-shadowed it all.

Teens-got nothing there!

Marriage? Tumultuous beginning. Children came quickly-lots of work! Again moments of joy - snippets of happiness - nothing prolonged. The early years and the raising of kids were work. I did it all. The responsibility was overwhelming at times and I was often not kind, patient or nice to those around me. I have many regrets when it comes to raising my children...so happiness there? Not so much.

I guess there has never been prolonged happiness. When I try to think about it my mind goes to places my husband and I have been together alone and away - the beach in Traverse City, Crisp Point Lighthouse, Kayaking the Green River. Always ALONE and AWAY from here.

So this is where I ended up. Alone and away with him. I shared this with him. His response..."So you like vacations." God is it any wonder we are where we are.

Fuzzy Moments #2

A soft bosom holding my head against it. It seems familiar. Yes. My neighbor whom I have known most of my life. Safe. It was always safe cradled against her.

Why is this man rubbing my head? Who is he? There is a vague recollection of a mention of an IV and me saying "you better be good at this" to whom I don't know. No face comes to mind.

There is no pain from the needle as it penetrates my arm. No memory of tubes protruding from me. No concept of a journey or arrival to a hospital. No family or friends with me. Just darkness and no pain. Ah, no pain.

"You need to drink the charcoal or we will have to put an NG tube in you," said nurse Rachett with a smile. Okay maybe not but I think she was enjoying the thought.

I guess I drank it. They say I did. Ended up with a silly black toothed grin when I was finished. Probably just as well I have no awareness of that!

No sense of time...only flashes of moments. As if life was a slide show . Yes that is it! It is as if I am watching a slide show. Disconnected pictures caught in time, out of order and senseless. Only I am the subject of the show with no consciousness of what has taken place. And someone has filled in the blanks for me. And I am to trust what went on in between by what they say has happened. Surreal...so damned surreal.

Flashes: People arriving, husband, best friend. She holds me against her and cries. "You can't do this to me" she says. "You can't leave me. Don't you know what today is." The first anniversary of her dad's death. I only knew at that moment.

Flashes: Poop...lots of poop and many different people wiping my ass. Charcoal really cleans you out. Not so nice either. Gritty...different kind of pain!

Flashes: Daughter who found me sitting against the wall. Me telling her to come to the beside. Asking her what she thought. Her letting me have it. Me throwing her out. Other daughter going with her. Not my best moment. But then how does is get worse at this point?

Lucidity begins to reign. Not much but some. I am in the 'bad girl hall'. Under surveillance. Someone outside my door watching my every move. At some point it becomes clear to me. I am not going home.

Welcome to "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest"

Normal

I kayaked today. That seemed like a normal thing to do. Normal. What is that? This normal they speak of? Nothing is normal right now. I am here. He is there. Nearly two weeks apart. Barely speaking. So not normal.

Do you remember this girl? Cause that was when she was normal.

Fuzzy Moments

They tell stories. The things I did. Glimpses come back like visions of someone else's life. Fuzzy videos running through my mind.

Was that really me? I have no reason to believe it wasn't. They wouldn't lie to me...would they? Now I sound paranoid. Oh god don't add that to the repertoire.

No, I remember. It was the pain. I couldn't stand the pain. Not pain in the sense that 'I have broken my leg, please help me.' No the kind of pain that keeps you from breathing. Paralyzes you. The heart breaking kind. One word written on a cell phone:

"HOPELESS"

The bottle of pills. Klonopine. Just to get me through the tough moments. This was a though moment wasn't it? Sleep. I wanted to sleep. The kind of sleep where you feel nothing. Dream nothing. See nothing. Anesthetized. I didn't want to feel the pain.

"HOPELESS" Sleep...27 Klonopine.

"Tell my kids I love them"

"Tell them yourself"

Sleep. Sounds. Doors slamming. She is yelling for me.

"MOM"

I am trying to call back to her from some distant place in my mind. Does she hear me?

My arm...why are you lifting it and letting it fall like that? Screaming, guttural screaming. It's okay I want to tell her. The pain is gone...I am sleeping. I am finally sleeping. Please don't wake me. I just can't take the pain.

A Painful UTI

I'm not crazy

I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then You'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy

I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Matchbox 20

Think anyone believes this after you have ingested a bottled of narcotics and you have charcoal running out of your ass?

So begins my journey back from my UTI (unfortunate tragic incident), my journey into self-discovery, life as a single woman after 30 years of marriage and whatever else comes along. So friends, those I have left, if you are brave enough, come along for the ride.