Buckets Filled

I have been on the verge all day. The bookstore sent me over the edge. I was trying to find a book on adult ADD and wouldn't you know it...they are shelved with the divorce books. You know the titles, Surviving Divorce, Divorce Sucks, Happy Divorces, Living Through Divorce and so on. I was done.

I did make it out of the store with some semblance of composure. Got to the car before the floodgates opened. Gut wrenching sobs began at my toes before they escaped my throat. Tears hit my lap as I tried to negotiate the traffic.

God I miss him. I texted him to tell him. I couldn't help myself. It was just seconds before the vibration responded with his message returned:

"I'll be home soon"

Cautious yet hopeful...

"Why"

"To see everyone"

"Are you staying at our house"

"No"

Hopes dashed. Nothing has changed.

"I don't think you should come by the house. I am having a very bad day and I know you don't want any part of that"

"I am sorry"

"I am sorry too you have no idea how sorry I am. I wish you would stop saying sorry and come up with another idea.

" I don't know what else to say"

"There are lots of things you could say and more you could do. Ball is in your court.'

There was no response to that. Nothing. Just silence. He knows I am falling apart and he does and says nothing.

How do you get to the place in your life where the person you have loved for 30 years, still say you love, is sitting alone with her heart breaking, falling to pieces, and you go on with your life as if nothing is happening? How the fuck does that happen?

Will someone please explain this to me before I lose my fucking mind!!!!!!!!