Saturday, October 10, 2009

The Day

We have spent the day together. Lots of talking and tears. There were some angry words.. I don't know if we are anywhere other than where we were. I think he may have a bit more understanding of me. Then again maybe not. I just don't know. He is still angry.

Anger is his defense. If he stays angry he can function better. He can protect himself better. He can stay less vulnerable. It will drive him to do what he thinks he needs to do. Leave me.

He did go see a counselor. We talked about that. He shared with me. She recommended a book for us both. I bought mine today. We ordered his.

Some other things came to light. I am mortified. He told both his sisters about my affair. He was supposed to protect me. Again he didn't. What is new. If we get back together how will I ever face these people? I won't. But I will not talk about that now.

I want to ask him if he told them about sitting by passively. About the times I begged him to commit to the help we needed. About the times I asked him to change things for me. But I didn't. Building bridges and all.

I am trying to give up control. Trying not to push. Trying not to spit venom. God it is so hard.
My nerves are shot. My anxiety is through the roof. My head hurts so bad it feels like it is going to explode. But I will continue to sit back and breathe the best I can because I want this more than I have wanted anything. I want us again...better than before. And I believe it can happen.

We are taking the little boy to Chuck E Cheese for dinner and then he (the little boy is spending the night). I am assuming he will too. I don't know. I do know he won't sleep with me...he can barely touch me. Again a self-defense mechanism.

He still seems to want to divorce. Making no promises for the future. Says he has lots to talk to his therapist about.

I need to be still. I need to be quiet. Does anyone have some ropes and a gag?

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