Sunday, October 11, 2009

Where Have We Gone

Things did not go so well this morning. Big blow up. I am sure you saw the mushroom cloud over the mid-west. Fallout was toxic...lots of casualties in the wake. The worst was the little boy who spent the night. He now knows Mam ma and Pap pa are going to break up. That part sucked the most.

The once gentle loving man I married has become someone I no longer know. I hate what pain and anger have done to him...what I have done to him. I remind myself that he has choices. The choice wallow in this deep dark place or the choice to rise out of it. He continues to want to wallow

He cannot separate the actions from the person. Told me he would not stay married to a 'cheater'. The act does not define me. That is not who I am. I made a mistake. I am trying to atone for it. But nothing I do it seems, will ever make it right for him. So many hurtful things said.

Threats of attorneys. Yours versus mine. Tit for tat. STOP! This is not who we are! Spiralling into the vortex so fast we can't stop. Hell is at the bottom and there will be no way out.

I need to leave. I make him hold me before I go. Only one arm wraps around me. I bury my face into his neck and tell him I love him. How wrong this is. Nothing but death is insurmountable.

I come up with a new plan. I call him. A one month break. No contact for one month. We both see our counselors and try to heal during this time. Cool off. Get our heads straight. Figure it out without the pressure of each other (well me anyway) talking in each other's ears.

He agrees, but has to add as long as I understand he would sign the papers today. Nice uh? I know he would. The faster he gets rid of me the better. It makes me so sad.

Sad...I am tired of being sad.

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