Sunday, October 4, 2009

The Sun Came Up

Well not so much...but there is daylight. So quiet. I listen to the sounds around me...the tap tap tapping of the keyboard, the bubbling of the filter in the fish tank, snoring dogs as they settle down for their morning nap. is sometimes my enemy and yet sometimes I crave it as the pregnant crave the odd food.

I used to do my best thinking when it was quiet. Not so much anymore. Constructive thought seems to evade my mind. So I am trying to force myself to find those things that lead my mind down paths of growth and paths of healing and paths where pain does not exist. Do it often enough and it will become habit...Yes?

Reading...I spend a great deal of time reading things I think can help me find myself. Maybe help both of us heal. I send some to him. Ask him to read them. Will he? I don't know.

One of those things I have found talks alot about values. Asks you to pick your top five. Talks about how if you do not live your life feeding your values you will have conflict. And then asks if you are living your life serving your values. And if not why and what is getting in the way?

Wow. Values. Do I have values? My top five? What values was I raised with? This is not easy for me. The first thing that jumps into my Family is my one of my five top values. Shit! Conflict alert. Alarms going off. Cause right away it is evident I have not lived to serve that value recently. In fact, I haven't served that value very well in the last 10 years. My behavior has put that value in jeopardy and in fact may very well have lost me my family as I know it.

But why have I not embraced that value? Why was I willing to put it at risk? I don't know. That is one for the therapist and I to work on.

So today I am going to try to do some of the things I didn't get done yesterday. Force myself to go out. Maybe do some cooking. Eye still hurts, but I am going to push through it. Not going to lay around all day. No good comes from that!

Have a good day folks...I going to try to.

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