Saturday, October 10, 2009

sleepless in...

It is 2 am. I have yet to sleep a wink. my mind is racing faster than an Indy car. circles round and round my brain going nowhere.

I don't have my contacts in so I apologize for the misspellings and punctuation errors right up front. But tonight they are not important to me. I have got to get this shit out of my head or I am going to explode.

He is sleeping in my bed with me. Or shall i say he is occupying a spot in my bed. He is sleeping. I know this from the soft snores coming from his side. But he is not with me. He is as far from me as he can get both in body and spirit. I can barely stand it. I say nothing...pretend like this is normal, okay with me. Again bridges and baby steps.

What I want to do is scream. Scream at him, "this is me! Remember me? I have done more right in thirty years than wrong!" But I don't. I just quietly leave my bed.

Pieces of the day's conversation dance in my brain. A ballet of torture and hope. The villain and the hero:

"Some woman tried to pick me up in the bar the other night"

"Did you let her?"

"No but I did let her buy me two beers,. When she wanted to buy the third i said I that I had had to go"

"You must have been flattered"

When what I really wanted to say was, that you are still married to me and I would never accept drinks from a stranger in a bar, never mind I don't hang out in bars. I think that would have gotten thrown back in my face considering. But still. I just don't know what to think about this and while I am trying to do all the right things is he trying to learn to live single?

He also told me that one of the things he is feeling is embarrassed. When I asked him what he is embarrassed about his statement was, "that I can't control my wife" when I tried to get to the bottom of this he became very angry so I stopped.

He needs to understand he in not in control of my actions. My actions are my responsibility and the embarrassment is mine. Not his, I hope I get a chance to tell him this. It is funny, he preaches this to me about the kids all the time.

We got a call from the realtor who has listed the lake house...yes we are selling it. It was shown four times today or I guess that was yesterday and twenty nine realtor's have been through it. We were talking about our bottom line and I made some remark about what we would do with the money. Pay a bill and I said I was going to Greece for spring break and asked him if he wanted to go with me.

You see Greece is number one on my bucket list. We have fulfilled many things on his bucket list: the giant redwoods, volcanoes, glaciers...but nothing on mine. His reply....a very quick, short no not right now. And me, a kick in the gut. So I took a deep breath and said I would be going if I had to go alone. It was time I fulfilled one of my dreams. I also said I probably shouldn't set myself up like that. He agreed. Stupid me.

I told him about this blog and shared a couple of the entries. Told him about the gratitude list. Asked him what he was grateful for. He said his family and I replied yet he was willing to tear it apart, Of course he turned that around on me and I said I was doing everything I could to keep it together. He said his job. He said his animals and I pointed out he was willing to leave them. Two out of the three things he was grateful for he is willing to give up. Makes no sense.

I don't think he is going to come around. I don't think he is going to want to do the work it will take to put this back together. I also think because he has told his family what is going on he will follow through with the divorce just to keep from looking like a 'fool'.

Because I let him see some of this blog I think I am going to have to take it private. I don't want him to have access to it. I am afraid he will use it against me. I never thought I would say that, but I am not dealing with the man I have known since I was twelve years old.

If you try to find me and I am not there just send me a note and I will let you in. I love the comments that those few who read me leave. They shore me up to face yet another day.

I am going to try to head back to bed. I took a sleeping pill when I came down. Maybe it will work now. Fingers crossed. Goodnight or as the case maybe, good morning.

1 comment:

  1. There is a grieving period for both of you.
    What was is gone. It may be too soon to try to determine what can be rebuilt. (I am not a therapist. Talk to yours about this, please.)

    I know you are desperate to fix what was broken but, however it is resolved, it may not look or be the same. That does not mean you cannot go on to build something new, and very possibly better, for yourself.
    Your new job is a good start. Planning the trip could be another.

    Some questions will take a long time to answer. Some questions may not ever have answers. Those are the ones you have to walk away from, not carry with you to weigh you down.

    Think about what is honestly best for you.
    Take care of you.