Shrinks

I thought it was going to be another nightmare visit to the shrink. He took 20 minutes of my time trying to figure out how to get international calling on his cell phone plan...after finding out it would cost him $2.95 per minute he decided to buy a calling card. He spent another 10 minutes talking to his sister on his cell phone (in Spanish) about some trip (he would pack stuff in his carry on) he was taking.

I almost walked out. I didn't. And I am very glad. For since my UTI (unfortunate tragic incident) I finally feel someone has figured out what is going on with me. And it goes beyond depression...duh!

After many, many, many, many, (and I could add about a hundred more manys) questions, he looked at me and said, "you have frontal lobe deficiency." What? "Adult ADD. A sleep disorder. And of course moderate depression."

ADD? I have ADD? That is crazy! But then he began to explain and I started to cry. He was describing me, talking about me. For the first timesince this began, someone was able to understand me! It was as if he was holding up a mirror and I was seeing myself in his words.

Those who know me, at some point have noticed I always have something in my hands. I twirl paper, my hair, my purse strap, destroy paper clips...I never have quiet hands. My brain never shuts down. At night when I go to bed, my brain races. It never shuts off. Consequently, I am a very poor sleeper and am exhausted most days. Skin sensitivity...certain touch really bothers me. It is almost painful. Extreme emotion...easy to cry, easy to anger.

He went on to talk about how adult ADD suffers are engagers, outside of the box thinkers, learners, explorers, intellectuals....never satisfied with an answer. Questioners of authority, doubters of the 'truth'. Artist, musicians, creatives. But we also thrive on chaos. We are impulsive. And stress will undo us all.

As he talked to me about me, I know I did not get it all. I think I was in shock. He told me he could help me to get better. That this was an easy fix and he would have me feeling better in a matter of days.

We talked just a little about the depression. His philosophy was to stop it in its tracks. Retrain my brain to stop thinking depressive thoughts. I am not sure I buy that so much but if I think about what I know about the brain and creating neural pathways I could make some sense of it. Think negatively, create negative neural pathways? Think positively create positive neural pathways? Sounds logical...yes?

So I am trying to think about blessings every time a negative thought creeps in. What can it hurt? That too is the purpose of the gratitude list. And this blog. It helps me release some of the negativity.

So now I am taking two new meds. One for the ADD and one for sleeping. He is concerned about the sleep issue and wants me to sleep more. It seems six hours of interrupted sleep is not enough.

I feel relieved. I feel like someone finally gets me. I feel like I am finally going somewhere with this treatment. I feel like maybe, just maybe, I might be me again...maybe ever a better version. A new improved version...in time.

WOW that almost sounds like H-O-P-E! What a great feeling that is!