Monday, October 12, 2009

Rock Bottom

There comes that point in life where you figure out the way you are doing things just ain't workin'. Something has to change. Sometimes it takes a drastic event to get you to that place. I don't know who coined the phrase 'hitting rock bottom'. But I guess that is where some people have to get to to see that life isn't working for them.

I first heard that oft used phrase when I was about 13 years old. I was in Ala-teen. My dad was an alcoholic. We were told the alcoholic would not stop drinking until he/she hit rock bottom. That every alcoholic had a different rock bottom so no one could tell me what my dad's would be. But this isn't about my dad and his drinking. I will save that for another day. This is about me and my rock bottom. Cause I think I have found it.

I am not going to rehash the past. I am done with that. I have made mistakes. Bad ones. I can try to justify my actions. But it doesn't make the situation any better. I did what I did. I am sorry. So very very sorry. And there are many people to whom that apology is extended.

The extent of my pain was so deep and the bottom so black and hopeless I wanted to die. It doesn't get much worse than that or much rockier. But here is the thing. I didn't die. I lived. At first I wasn't too sure I wanted to. But now I am. Because here is the thing.

My mistakes do not define who I am. And I can be who I want to be. Who I have always strived to be...not pretended to be. With alot of work and alot of effort I can learn to control the negative aspects of me and bring forward the positive. I can be better than I ever was. For me, for my kid, and for him (if he will let me).

There are those who are betting on me to fail. They are sure I will fall back into old patterns of behavior. I have news for you doubters, it is not going to happen. For I am stronger now than I have ever been. I am armed with more knowledge about myself than I have ever had. And knowledge we all know is power.

I won't fail. I promise...I won't fail.

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