Saturday, October 10, 2009

Finding Gratitude in Today

Even though we have spent the day together and things have been civilized, I am finding it hard to find things to be grateful for. It has been one of the most stressful days I have had in a very long time. He worries about sending me the wrong message and I worry about sending him the wrong message.

I am spending this time with him in hopes of sparking something within him that reminds him of us. But what if he thinks that we could be divorced and live like this? I could not do that. We would have to live separate lives. He on his own, me on mine, with little connecting us in the between.

My mind has been in a thousand places. I feel like I have gone a thousand rounds in the ring. And am still waiting the decision. A life and death decision. Waiting...something I don't do very well at all.

I am still so bothered by his revelation of his revelation to his sisters. I don't understand why he felt the need to do that to me. I think it was to hurt me. My friend says it was because he was hurting. But regardless, the damage is done. I am hurt, embarrassed, shamed. But I guess I deserve it as the actions belong to me and I need to be accountable for them. But god why couldn't he have protected me as I have protected him?

So here goes...what am I grateful for today?

1. Soccer goals scored by the little boy
2. Modern pharmaceuticals
3. Bookstores
4. Sunshine
5. Him

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