Fuzzy Moments

They tell stories. The things I did. Glimpses come back like visions of someone else's life. Fuzzy videos running through my mind.

Was that really me? I have no reason to believe it wasn't. They wouldn't lie to me...would they? Now I sound paranoid. Oh god don't add that to the repertoire.

No, I remember. It was the pain. I couldn't stand the pain. Not pain in the sense that 'I have broken my leg, please help me.' No the kind of pain that keeps you from breathing. Paralyzes you. The heart breaking kind. One word written on a cell phone:

"HOPELESS"

The bottle of pills. Klonopine. Just to get me through the tough moments. This was a though moment wasn't it? Sleep. I wanted to sleep. The kind of sleep where you feel nothing. Dream nothing. See nothing. Anesthetized. I didn't want to feel the pain.

"HOPELESS" Sleep...27 Klonopine.

"Tell my kids I love them"

"Tell them yourself"

Sleep. Sounds. Doors slamming. She is yelling for me.

"MOM"

I am trying to call back to her from some distant place in my mind. Does she hear me?

My arm...why are you lifting it and letting it fall like that? Screaming, guttural screaming. It's okay I want to tell her. The pain is gone...I am sleeping. I am finally sleeping. Please don't wake me. I just can't take the pain.