Best Laid Plans

Ain't gonna be a good day. I can feel it in my bones...or my eye as the case may be. OMG does it hurt. I think I have scratched my cornea. Nothing to be done but wait it out.

But beyond that I am unsettled. My thoughts are everywhere. My mind is racing. Tears threaten to spill without deference to what I am doing or where I am. Things I should have said, could have said make an appearance days later. Why wasn't my brain so keen then?

Would it have mattered? I think he lives with his head in the sand most of the time. But don't most men? Sorry guys!

We are separated by circumstance it is true...his work takes him out of state for a period of several months. But he is clear. He wants a divorce. So circumstance works to his favor. He has left me and has no intent to return to this house.

During the fray the other night I made some offhand statement about changing locks and not allowing him to enter the house. That he choose to leave and intended to divorce me. His response was he just went off to work.

Enter thoughts during the night last night. I should have said, well then I will expect you home this weekend and the following and we will live happily ever after right? Yea right. How's he gonna play it like that. Just going off to work! Whatever! So where are you now?

Side note: What I said about changing the locks and not letting him back in the house I said in hurt and anger. I would not do that. This is his home and I want him to feel welcome whenever he wants to be here (as painful as that is for me). No decision made in hurt and anger are good ones! My new mantra.

I got side tracked. But remember, I said my mind was racing. So I had all these plans today. It was going to be a struggle to motivate myself to do them by myself anyway but now....

The little boy has a soccer game this morning. Can't miss that. Wanted to take a tour of all the blown glass exhibits around town. Not such a great idea with one good eye and one very painful eye. Then I thought about making some soup to try to encourage myself to eat...still struggling with that. But that would entail going to the store. UGH!

Also thought about getting a ticket to the opening night of the hockey game...haven't missed and opening game in five years. What would a hockey game be like by yourself? Asked him if he wanted to go. He still can't stand the idea of being with me. Not that that hurts!

See I said it wasn't going to be a good day. I think I might just go to the soccer game, come home get a cold compress, take a sleeping pill and go to bed for the day! There is always tomorrow.