Saturday, October 10, 2009


He is coming over this morning. We are going to talk. What about? I don't know. It seems our mode of communication lately is texting. Is that communication? I asked him if the only thing he was going to say were bad things. He said he didn't know.

What am I to infer? I should infer nothing. Take it as it comes. Oh my god that is so hard. I want so badly for him to want to fix things. Are they fixable? Nothing but death is insurmountable. With hard work and commitment anything is possible. But will he want to commit?

I have to tell myself not to push too the control freak. But the more I push the more he pulls. I have to tell myself I have to give up some control. I can control my life...but let him control the marriage right now. I am choking on those words. Gagging and trying not to vomit. Since when do I let anyone control anything about my life?

I have been up most of the night. So much for these stupid sleeping pills. Start with 1/4 of a tablet and work up. Took a whole one last night and nothing but a headache. Going to quit taking them. Why use a crutch if they don't work?

I feel like time is standing still right now. I don't know when he is coming. Anxiety is unbelievable. My stomach is turning. My heart is beating too fast. What is going to happen? Please let it be positive. Please.

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