Thinking

Spending more time thinking about values. The exercise asks you to identify 5 core values. I have come up with 3.

1. Family
2. Adventure
3. Survival

I am suspect of number 3. Is it a value or an instinct? All I know is, for me it has driven me my whole life. I also know when I go into survival mode or I feel I am desperate to do so, I become impulsive.

I am not talking about life or death, heart stopping, blood flowing, stop breathing survival. I am talking about survival of self. My being. The parts of me that make me me. I think that is part of what happened in this marriage of mine.

It was as if I began to disappear. As if I watched myself getting smaller...fading in the distance like the railroad tracks in a picture. Do you know what I am talking about? That point of conversion where the tracks become a point in the distance....no longer visible as two, but one single track? That was me...a single point fading in the distance. I was watching my self disappear and he sat passively by even though I begged him for the lifeline. Then someone else threw the lifeline and I grabbed on. Survival.

And once again I find myself fighting to survive. But I have decided I cannot fight this battle alone. He is not willing to fight for us, for our family, for me, for himself. So I will stop fighting him and let him go. After 30 years if he sees nothing to fight for, I cannot force him to do so.

That is where I am today...who knows where I will be tomorrow.

Oh I know, spending my last day with some of the most worthless students I have ever experienced and getting 3 funny looking moles removed. Fun!