Falling Stars

I had lunch with the middle daughter today. She told me something that just nearly broke my heart in two. The little boy is so sad about his Mam ma and Pap pa breaking up that he has found a solution.

He told his Gretchen that if she just stared and stared at the night sky and waited for a falling star and then wished on it that Mam ma and Pap pa would stay married...then they would.

There are so many people who believe in us, including a little boy who who believes in the luck of falling stars

Protecting Part Two

My son also needs to understand that the information he seeks, he seeks as a nearly thirty year old and not an adolescent. He is much more equipped to deal with the information now than he was then. He also is more caring about life beyond himself now than then too. No longer a self-centered teenager.

I too am cautious as I believe he will have questions that will fall into the current situation. I do not have a problem telling him what I have done. I am accountable. But the reasons carryover onto his father. Again, I am protecting. But there is truth in what has happened and the faults are not all mine.

The son and I have talked about some of what has gone on. He is aware of basic information. He knows I do not want a divorce and am working hard at the work of myself and what went wrong. He also knows his dad does want a divorce and is not willing to do the work. He knows that I think we can put this back together and be a family again and in fact he too believes the same thing. Of course both the son and I know it will take a great amount of work.

But I don't know how far to go into his father and I. I have tried to keep them out of this and not share much if anything with them. To protect my kids and my husband. But maybe it is time to put all the cards on the table and get all of it out in the open. Seems like most everyone else knows so why not the kids? I don't know.............

Protecting

I thought I was doing it for the right reasons. It seems now maybe I was wrong.

I have spent a great deal of my life protecting those I love. My mother, my father, my brother, my children and my husband...and yes myself.

My childhood was not an easy one. Though if you would ask me, my pat answer about the way my parents raised me was always, "they did they best they could with what they had." I could recite it at the drop of a hat, a recorded statement on a taped reel in my mind.

My father was an alcoholic who pretty much stopped coming home after work when I was around 11 years old. He spent his evenings drinking in the Glass Bar. An establishment I thought if I could just burn down, all my problems would be solved.

My Mom began to work evenings in a restaurant when I was in forth grade. She would leave shorty after I came home from school. There was to be less than an hour before dad was to be home and I had two older brothers who were here with me. Childcare right? Not so much.

My oldest brother was so detached from our family he moved out when I was 11. The middle brother, I was the youngest, took every opportunity he had to beat the hell out of me. I suffered at his hands more times than I can remember. But I also remember he would beat the hell out of anyone who tried to hurt me. A true love hate relationship.

My parents didn't do much to intervene in the beatings...not that they were around when they happened. I am not sure what they could have done. I am not sure they had the tools to do anything. I remember when I was around 15 or 16 I went to a local children's shelter and tried to get some help. They told me I was an abused child and could seek shelter there. When I tried to tell my mom that what he was doing to me was abuse she was so pissed at me. I was the trouble maker.

The abuse even continued after I was married. My brother was my husband's best friend. On two occasions my brother was at our home and he and I were fighting about something, I don't remember what it was and he physically attacked me.

My husband wasn't here. I think he was at work. But I remember I wanted him to do something about it. I don't know what. But there was nothing. I think he felt like it was a brother/sister thing. He didn't want to be involved. I felt like someone just beat on his wife...why didn't he protect me?

Where is this going? Oh yea...so as time has gone on I have found myself creating this image of these people. "They did the best they could with what they had." Yea maybe. But you know what. I suffered because of what they didn't have.

When my brother committed suicide I didn't tell people what he did. Not because I was ashamed of it. But because I wanted to protect his memory. I didn't want people to think he was crazy (even though he probably was). The need to protect.

I have never shared much of my childhood with my kids. Never told them too much of my teenage years (ugly), did not tell them about their uncle (oldest is the only who had much of a memory). Although my husband shared that information with our son without my knowledge when he was a teenager...serious problem between us! Thought I was protecting them. They didn't need to know ugly things about their mother and her family.

Now I find out I was wrong. My son thinks it would have helped him understand me and why I am like I am. What makes me me. So do I do a complete disclosure. Tell them the ugly truth behind their mother? Because there is a whole lot more to know. I don't know. He seems to think it would help him. He doesn't want family secrets. No more protecting.

Gotta go to work...more later

We Won!

I think the score was 2 to 1 but it might have been 3 to 1. I don't remember. There was a penalty in the last 1:18 of the game for both teams. Stupid! Our team is notorious for losing in the last 30 seconds of the game...but they kept it together and came out with a win!

I am very tired. Lots of talking and sharing. I had an evening with a gal my son works with. She is just a few years younger than me. Apparently he thinks highly of her because he has sought her advice through all of this. She was aware of the current events. She has been a source of support for him. I am glad of that. He needs it.

I think she and I will become good friends. I really enjoyed her company and she doesn't seem to think I am a bad person or too crazy. She is willing to accept me even knowing the things I have done...I guess actions don't define the person.

Here is my gratitude list for today:

1. I made a difference today
2. New friends
3. Laughter
4. Fall colors
5. Hot tea

It's Hockey Time

Off to the Hockey game. Bittersweet. I love hockey! But it is the one thing we do together. I remember the first professional hockey game we went to.

It was our anniversary and our city had just secured an NHL team. I had managed to get tickets from a friend of mine. He had really good seats. We went to dinner and the hubby had no idea where we were going afterwards. I told him I would be dropping hints throughout dinner about our destination and he had to try to figure it out.

I weaved in words about hockey, the name of the team and such. But he never got it! I finally gave him his anniversary card with the two tickets inside. He was stunned. It would be our first professional hockey game together.

I was a bit bored. He loved it. We had a wonderful night!

I have since become a great fan. Our best friends became fans as well and we have shared a package deal ever since. We have spent many nights cheering on our team.

I will miss him tonight. I will miss putting my head on his shoulder during the period. I will miss his coat across my legs when I get cold. I will miss holding his hand as we walk through the concourse. I will miss him.

It just will not be the same. But then nothing is right now.

The Arbitrary

Why is it you have to be faced with losing what you love the most to appreciate what you have?

Does the journey to self-discovery always have to begin with catastrophe and pain?

Why didn't he tell me 'no' more often?

He never set boundaries. I always wanted him to set boundaries. I needed boundaries.

Why is communication so hard?

Why do the kids tell me how they feel and not him?

Riding the bus with a three year old is no big deal. And someone quit their job over it???

What has impacted my dysfunctionality (is that a word?) more, being the daughter of an alcoholic, depression or ADD?

Should I spend the $100 a session and go see the therapist I think will help me the most?

If I go to Waterbeds-n-Stuff to buy a milligram scale will I be profiled as a drug dealer?


told you my mind never stopped!

Gratitude

Today I am grateful that:

1. I had a pretty good day.
2. He made me laugh (even if I broke the no contact rule)
3. There is texting (is that contact?)
4. Our son. He is my biggest champion
5. I believe


Oh and guess what? We have confirmed cases of both h1n1 and whooping cough in our building! I just can't wait to get up and go off to the germ infested workplace tomorrow. And did I also tell you I work with a little boy who carries MRSA. Life is an adventure and I am going to swing it by the tail!