Ouch!

Went to the attorney today. Divorce comes down to dollar signs on a page. There are more dollar signs on his side of the page than mine.

It seems that 30 years of marriage is worth something.

Bottom line: How much is he willing to pay to get rid of me?

Changes

Got this email the other day from the husband:

Just to let you know I changed my payroll distributing. There or their will be $200.00 now going into the Wright-Patt account each week.

No discussion. No thought as to what this would mean to me or our situation. He seemed to think I could run this house on $800.00 a month.

After much discussion and an introduction to home finance 101, he has decided that he made a stupid decision and is not going to make the change.

However, this tells me something. While I can only control myself I also cannot allow someone else to make decisions about my life that may put me in jeopardy.

He is no longer the man I married. He is angry and hurt. Every decision he is making is coming from those emotions. And not one of them has my best interest at the core.

Time to take charge! Time to do what I need to do to protect myself. Enough with the begging and pleading.

I think I am back!

Changes

It started out to be a good day...it ended as a not so good day.

Friends???

He will get custody of them all if there is a divorce. It becomes clearer everyday. I guess when you are the tainted one people become uncomfortable around you and even think you deserve to be punished for your actions.

I have now had two of my closest friends tell me he has the right to leave me. And yes I guess in the truest sense, he does. One even suggested that in order for me to be accountable for my actions, I needed to walk away from the marriage.

The other, who by the way, has gone through this exact situation, feels he doesn't have the responsibility to try to make things work. Because what I did was wrong, he has the right to walk away. Poof...end the marriage and move on.

I guess I need to ask myself...what friends?

I am Grateful

1. For innocent four year olds
2. For "I love you's" randomly given out by children
3. For the contagious giggles of my preschoolers
4. For an evening with my son and daughter-in-law
5. That we both love each other...maybe it will be enough

Wrapping Up The Evening With Minutia

At least I think I am. I have some reading to do and the son has asked me over for chili. I am not sure I really want to go. It is rainy and cold. We are expecting snow flurries in the next day or two. How gross is that. I would rather be curled up in front of a fire...but alas, no wood.

I hate getting into the shower in the morning. It is where my mind works overtime. It is enough to make me think about hairy armpits and PTA (pits,tits and ass) baths. It is the place where the tears frequently flow.

This mornings thoughts centered around his comments regarding getting picked up in a bar. "Maybe I'll go back with someone next time. After all you don't seem to have any trouble finding someone." He likes to take the cheap shots every now and again. But hey what the hell.

So I am thinking this morning, if you decide to do that, you might want to warn them, "Ah, I have this condition...I might not remember who you are after I fuck you. But I have a card in my wallet with all of my emergency contact numbers on it if I am confused. Just call my ex-wife, she'll tell you what to do." Kinda made me laugh. A sick turn your stomach kind of laugh.

Nothing about this is funny. He hurts, I hurt, my kids hurt. He seems to be the only one who wants us divorced. I don't know what his family is telling him. I am sure they are fueling his fire. I was never good enough for him anyway. But that is another story for another day.

So many things to fight for, so few to give up for. Again, I am tired. Worn out and tired. Oh and get this, the daughter told me I look sickly skinny today! Nice, really nice!

Dreams

wispy, cloudy, fog
tantalizing dreams, swirling

through my mind. Release

I haven't submitted a haiku to Sparrow in forever. When I saw the topic I couldn't resist, as my entire future depends on my hopes and my dreams. Go visit...submit till tonight and vote tomorrow. And may all your dreams come true. And don't forget to wish on a falling star. I have it on good authority that it works!